In my 26th year, I have chosen to focus on things that I did not take advantage of last year. I spent much time “adulting” (lol) and getting more in tune with myself. Overall, it was a great and impactful year filled with transition, growth, and adenture. Now I want to take it a step further. I’m focusing on self-confidence, particularly in my art and body. Out of all of the things I checked off my yearly bucket list/goals, the only two aspects that i didn't slipped through the cracks in a way. And until recently, I didn’t realize how much the two were intertwined.
I didn’t focus as much on creating new art, challenging my artistic skills, and most importantly, putting myself out there. I also didn’t focus on my weight loss and health efforts. Self-doubt can be one hell of an affliction. I started to compare myself to others and base my art off of superficiality as opposed to meaning and impact. I went months without creating. I stopped participating in events and taking commissions. In fact, I found myself staying in and to myself more. I didn’t like the way I looked or felt in my clothes, which were about 3-4 sizes too small now. I ate and slept much more than needed.
I realized that a big part of me not wanting to create was because I didn’t feel the best about myself in certain arenas. Even through validation from family and friends that I wasn’t “as big as I thought,” I felt huge and extremely uncomfortable with how I looked. I didn’t want to go out to have fun with my friends and I surely wasn’t going out to share my art. I gave up on goals and exchanged them to focus on others. I became a stranger to my own reflection. A good portion of that was in my head, but it was also a reality to an extent. I was unmotivated and scared of failing – which, ironically, was the end result. I didn’t think I could do it and I didn’t feel like I could do it.
Although I shut down in both areas, they were very teachable moments. These peaks of insecurity and self-doubt are places I don’t want to revisit. I don’t want to be complacent again. I thought to myself, instead of making a list of goals I want to achieve, I’ll take a slightly different approach and perspective.
So in my 26th year, I still want to obtain and maintain a healthier weight and explicitly share my art. Thats hasn't changed. I want to be out and I want to be seen – as odd as that may sound. I will dare to put myself in seemingly uncomfortable positions to progress to the next level in my art and body. I am currently working on the foundation for both, that's the easy part.
My goal is to be present.
My goal is to take the leap.
My goal is to not give up on me.
Believing in myself and sticking to it is my true challenge.